Hey, I spent a month in a depression episode. I hope you still read this website. My foot has nearly healed, I'm getting it out of the boot tommorrow. I'm going to be really excited to have full mobility again. I'm going to try and write another entry in the near future, when I'm a lot more clear headed. Also, here are two entries from Serafina as well that I didn't update.
Hey! I hope you’re doing alright. I did talk to your nyc therapist to see about arranging phone calls. I’m gonna touch base with Katie about it tomorrow. I hope you’re doing alright and seeing. I know the state of Utah is insufferable (Is the fashion as bad as is rumored? Do the girls purposely put a dent in their hair?). I’m glad your sewing again and hope you’re finding time to write too. Sorry it’s been a bit since my last message. I was in Chicago for three weeks this January (it was negative 11 🥲). Currently I’m scheming with folks to do some performances around whales ( yes it’s absolutely an excuse to make a giant whale puppet). I miss you and love you! It’s getting closer and closer to you being able to come back to nyc. Sorry you’ve had to spend so much of your year in facilities. I miss you!
Seraphina Violet Cueller StorytellerBad stuff's happening in the outside world. Over in minneapolis, Trump has increased the amount of anti-immigration officers over there, based on a false rumor of fraud at daycare centers, and flooded the entire area with these thugs who would just randomly grab Black and brown people off the streets. Native Americans were even "deported." Earlier this month, this mother and American Civilian named Rene Good was shot to death by ICE officers, and this weekend there was another fatality.
I always try to be hopeful and, even though this shit is bleak, I think this is a sign of the Trump Administration's weakness. Bullies always act the most tough when they're the most scared. And what was beautiful was that basically the entire city of minneapolis got together to protect their most vunerable. People would be stationed on every corner looking for ICE agents. People would do deliveries to neighbor's houses when they were too afraid to leave the house. I think it shows that there are caring, loving people everywhere and it gives me hope in a time where I'm trapped in doors all the time.
Usually, in times of crisis, when I feel doom or bleak, I try to go out and be in-community and help people out, but I can't right now with my broken leg. I think it's making things a little bit harder. But I have been turning to the people around me for support, and letting in a lot of visitors into my house.
Anyways, here's two back-messages from Seraphina
I did a performance on Sunday at my favorite DIY performance art venue in Chicago. I thought you might enjoy reading through the poem I recorded for it. It’s long and pretty dark which is usual for me, but I figured you’d enjoy the vibe lmao. It made me really happy to do something genuinely creative again. I hope you are sewing a lot, and I hope you find some time to write your own poems!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uvFowrY-dJ2G6-Oj1DHDStJYaqPgaKCFD9gwhRfvhw0/edit?usp=drivesdk
(You’re probably gonna have to copy and paste from the Google doc)
Seraphina Violet Cueller
Storyteller
Hello. I am glad I got to hear from you even if it was shortly. I love you a lot! I am glad to hear you got your sewing stuff back. Hopefully it’s some enrichment in your diabolically Utahian enclosure. I am in Chicago. I have been reminded of the absurdity of visiting this place in mid January as it is quite literally 7 degrees outside. It’s truly testing my commitment to chain smoking. I am glad to hear you’re on track to graduate. I think in the scope of everything the small wins are worth celebrating. I think I am partially saying that to cement it into my own brain too. Crazy in the time you have been gone my life has remained a mess, but we are having small wins here and there. I am getting dangerously close to becoming a 30 year old child but I’m really rooting for a turn around in the last year and some change (diabolical hope for a resident of Bushwick). I know it’s infuriating to hear but I hope you are coping as best you can. Sending you all my love and praying for you per usual.
Seraphina Violet Cueller
Howdy. I just got foot surgery about two weeks ago, and so I've been hobbling around the house all day. I am doing something that's very, very, very annoying to do which is ask people who love me for support, and luckily I think
that quite a few people have been coming over. A couple of the teens I know have stopped by my house, which is a first. I'm really proud of them (I'm proud of you too), they're just getting back from their first semester of college
and it's amazing watching them as they adjust to the new "adult" world.
I'm supposed to rest a lot, but it's a little difficult for me, and I get really antsy. I'm a person who needs to be outside all the time. Because I had a really rough childhood, I never liked being home and that habit spread to adulthood where I'd just be running around outside all the time, and now I'm in a situation where going to the kitchen is a major decision for me. I try to limit how much I scroll on my phone, because all it does is just advertise the outside world and make me miss it, but also...just because of a lot of my traumas and shit, I don't like being alone with my thoughts at all. I feel like I'm surrounded by ghosts at times. And there's this knot inside of me where I feel like I am keeping count of all the times I've been wronged. I don't know about you.
I hope you had a good holiday. I hope you have a good view out of the window. I hope you find some peace for yourself, because you deserve it.
Hey, In this message I have a note both from me (Amber) and Seaphina. I have not contacted you for a long time, and I am really sorry about that. Sickness and grief took over me and my responsibilites lapsed. I want to try and updating again in the next weeks, if my health allows it. I am about to go off into surgery. You had a lot of people abandon you in your life, and that's not fair. My distance hasn't been because I don't love you, or because you did anything. Just my life is very difficult and even basic maintence has been hard. I hope you've been taking care of yourself. I miss you. I still talk about you all the time. Up next is Seraphina's message
Hello, I’m so deeply sorry I haven’t written to you. I had a lot of things crash in my life which I won’t get into but I feel horrible for not writing sooner. If it makes you feel better Otis shit infront of my door. So he is also frustrated with me. I love you a lot. I hope you still have some folks who you can talk to in the facility with you. There have been some good updates. According to what I’m being told Erin has been removed from your trust and is not able to make financial decisions for you or get guardianship over you once you turn 18. Please don’t listen to whatever horseshit story your therapist might be telling you. I love you and miss you a lot. Seraphina Violet Cueller Storyteller
Sup, kid.
Seraphina wants to try and contact you, I think using this website method if you can't get a hold of the ipad anymore? You can maybe try to email me at theamberfield@pm.me, and in the next week I'm going to get them set up on this website and maybe be able to sign in.
This week I told the girl that I had a crush on that I had feelings for her, but I want to just be friends. She seemed a little suprised and said that she felt plutonic towards me, which was fair. I think I was dissocating a lot the whole time because I don't remember most of the conversation, and by the time I got home I laid on the couch, put my hand on my chest and instantly fell asleep.
The next day, I was walking down the street and heard someone yell my legal last name, which I haven't gone by for 14 years. Even before I transitioned, I went by a stage name for about ten years. I turned around and it was a friend of mine who turned out to be a trans dude, and he was transitioning all this time since we last seen each other. It was really mysterious and confusing and amazing for me, just how us queer people always seem to find each other somehow.
I've been having depression issues, and food security issues. The sunsetting at, like, 4:30 is really starting to get to me and my mental health. But I'm trying to survive. I know I'll get throuhg this. I hope there's some day where I could just stop running so much, to suriveve. I know I can get there
In community,
Amber Flannery Field
I just got home from going to the camera store. I am going to shoot a three-hour film that will be a documetnary that I am going to post on youtube. A lot of it is about how important kids (like you) are to me, and sometimes the pain that comes from it. I'm really excited to shoot it, I want to release it in December
I went on a date with a cute girl yesterday. I met her at Lesbian Library Day and she said to stop by her library, and so I decided to ask her out. We talked about possibily going on a second date, which is nice.
Also, there was this trans woman named Max who was there at the end of Lesbian Library Day and I introduced her to you so you two could talk. I actually re-make friends with her recently, through activism. It's a group called Transsexual Menace. They do a lot of good work in the community, such as hold vigils for trans women who passed away and helping out this org called Black Trans Liberation Kitchen help black trans women in need.
I saw Seraphina yesterday at quaker meeting. They told me they're going to be really busy (working 70 hours this week!!!!!) and me and them are going to have dinner at the end of the week, which I'm excited about.
I heard there were updates with your lawyer case. I really hope things go well for you, you deserve it.
In community,
Amber Flannery Field
Hey kid, I'm going to write you a letter every monday at around 6:00 pm. If you can reach people by email, then you can get me at TheAmberField@pm.me. I was so glad when you reached out to me.
I am sorry about what happened with your mom who wanted to adopt you. That is not fair, and you deserve so much more than that
I'm trying to be brief before the 6:00 pm deadline, but my life is a little rough. I've been having trouble with access to food, I'm very hungry a lot of the time
In light of some of the stuff you shared with me, I thought I would share that I have a crush on a girl. She has a boyfriend, and I don't want to mess with our friendship and so in about a week we're going to meet up and I'm going to just talk to her honestly about my feelings and see if there's a way we can work out being just friends
because I'm so tired from a lack of food, it is a little hard for me to write right now, but I promise I'll be more chatty about stuff in the near future.
you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be safe.
In community,
Amber Flannery Field